Almost Love Her
by PulseOfThePast
Summary: Carly struggles to deal after Sam breaks up with her, trying to understand what went wrong and where she’s supposed to go from here. CAM. Im terrible at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Almost Love Her

Based on: iCarly inspired by A Fine Frenzy's song, "Almost Lover"

Summary: Carly struggles to deal after Sam breaks up with her, trying to understand what went wrong and where she's supposed to go from here. CAM. Im terrible at summaries.

My room was dark when I opened my eyes, but that gave no indication of the time. I'd covered the windows days ago, when I stopped getting out of bed except for the bathroom. There was a fresh water bottle beside me on the counter, and beside it a note in Freddie's writing and a sandwich .He'd picked up the pieces of my phone from across the room and reconstructed it. The screen was cracked, but he'd plugged it in to its charger and it was working. I didn't look at the screen, and I ignored everything except the water bottle. I wasn't hungry, even though I had hardly eaten for weeks and had stopped eating altogether when I stopped getting out of bed. But I was terribly thirsty, and I still felt exhausted even though all I'd done for days was lay in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, never quite sure if I was awake or not, always exhausted.

I sat up partially to drink, leaning against my headboard, glancing at my floor and seeing that my room was once again immaculate. Freddie had even cleaned my room for me. Something I hadn't done in weeks. In fact, my room had looked more like Sam's lately than my own. The thought of Sam immediately brought fresh tears to my eyes, and my breath hitched in my throat. I swallowed a big swallow of water and briefly wondered what time it was, what day it was. But it didn't really matter. In a way, Sam had made me grow up when she left. At first I'd tried to go about life as usual, until I started realizing that without Sam, I didn't feel like going to school anymore. It was my senior year, but I'd simply stopped going after they called me into the office for the fifth time to discuss why I wasn't working or paying attention. They asked about Sam, where she had gone, and I just shook my head.

As days passed, I stopped doing more and more. I stopped listening to music, every song reminded me of Sam in some way, even songs she would never listen to. I tried listening to rap, because she didn't like it in any way, but whenever I tried I would hear her mocking tone and see her doing her gangster poses, until I stopped listening to music, period. I stopped cleaning my room. More and more often I could be found laying in bed, or sleeping on the couch or in my room. I stopped answering the door. I stopped caring what people thought about me. I realized that none of it really mattered. Things weren't as important. Whatever reason I'd always had for always trying to please everyone and act how they thought was right, I had forgotten. People stopped calling because I stopped answering. People stopped visiting because I stopped talking.

Freddie was the only one who still came. I could see it in his eyes, as I saw it in Spencer's, that terrible feeling of helplessness and concern whenever they looked at me. On some level I felt guilty for making them feel like this, but I found it hard to feel much of anything. I don't care enough , I guess, and in a way I felt like I'd earned the right to make whoever I wanted feel as bad as I wanted. Because it was impossible that I could hurt anyone as much as I still hurt, as much as every second since Sam walked out hurt.

The thought still made me flinch every time-of Sam leaving me, as though I'd really made it that easy for her to just walk away. It was like she didn't even care. At first I'd desperately wished that Sam would come to her senses., or tell me it was a joke of some kind.

I wouldn't even be mad. I still occasionally entertained the idea of Sam walking through the door, eating something out of the fridge downstairs, smiling in that adorable way that only she can, and laugh that I really believed her, would really let it do this to me. Honestly, I wouldn't even be mad. Because I've been finding that life without Sam is pointless. I care-_cared_- I tried to tell myself, as though I was already over her, about her more than anything or anyone else, so now that she wasn't here with me, I found it hard to care about much of anything, everything meant so much less now that she wasn't involved. Freddie told me that fans were freaking out on iCarly, that it had been flooded with questions about what was going on, if the show was over. I didn't know what to tell him. I couldn't bring myself to say it was over, although I know it has to be, it is, but I can't accept that. iCarly was how me and Sam got together in the first place.

I still could remember when we got together, well, we didn't right away, but the first time we kissed. Like, _really _kissed, not the best-friend kiss, the kiss that crossed the line firmly between friends and more. The line had been being blurred for months with our frequent hand holding, unnecessarily long touches and hugs, catching each other staring…

_They had just finished iCarly, and once again their hits had just gone up from the show before. Freddie had left in excitement to work on the site after they'd all had sundaes to celebrate. As Freddie left, Sam finished her second sundae, licking the chocolate off the dish. I chuckled fondly as she got some on her face, setting the now shining dish down and leaning back with her hands on her stomach. "You're supposed to eat chocolate, not wear it." I told her seriously._

_She smiled over at me, laughing and licking her lips. Immediately I found it hard to look anywhere else, staring at her lips as she licked them. That feeling in the pit of my stomach was there again, not that it ever really left anymore. It was like Sam was taking over my mind, she was all I could think about, all the time. How good she looked in my pajamas she'd changed into while I made us all the sundaes, or how adorable she was when she was really proud of _our _show, of me. "Hellllooo? Anyone in there?" She was saying, as I suddenly realized she'd been talking for some time, and I'd simply watched her lips move instead of listening._

"_What?" I asked blankly, blushing but hoping she wouldn't notice. _

_Eyeing me with veiled eyes, she didn't answer for a second. She'd noticed. I nervously played with my sleeves. "I was just asking if I got it all." She repeated._

_I smiled, she was so cute. "No," I smiled and bit my lip. She looked at me expectantly, and I laughed, reaching a finger out to wipe a smear of chocolate from her cheek. _

_But god, when I touched her…_

_It was like sticking my finger in an electrical socket. Her skin was so soft, and before I realized what I was doing my entire hand was cupping her cheek. She looked at me, surprised, and I realized what I was doing. All these images had just flooded my brain and overwhelmed my senses, I couldn't stop myself, but seeing her face made me snap out of it. My eyes widened and I started to stutter something out as I started to snatch my hand back, but she snatched it in the air._

_I stared at her, scared and confused, not knowing what to say. She was staring at my hand that she'd just grabbed, holding it tight enough that I wouldn't pull back, but not hard. Her beautiful blue eyes seemed to be struggling with something, I couldn't understand what, and I desperately wished she would just speak. After a few seconds she looked at me, and my breath caught. The way she was looking at me…oh god, why had I done that? I couldn't decipher that look in her eyes, I started stuttering out apologies, stumbling over my words as I tried to think of an excuse._

"_Carly," she said, staring at me. I immediately stopped talking, waiting, but she seemed to be struggling to find the words to say. Suddenly her hand that wasn't holding mine was on my face, as she looked surprised at herself, as surprised as I felt. She looked at me, looking afraid, and hesitantly leaned forward._

_In that instant I nearly had a heart attack. I froze, shocked at this quick transition from friends hanging out to friends about to _make_ out. But I could see her insecurity and fear in her eyes, something people so rarely got to see, and I stopped thinking. I leaned in, too._

I shook my head at the memory. A few minutes later Spencer had come to check on us, and we'd barely heard the elevator door ding in time for me to pull back and sit back on my own bean bag, slightly out of breath, both of us wide-eyed. Spencer asked if Sam was staying the night, and I didn't know how to answer. I saw the reality of what we'd just done hit her, I saw the terror start to form in her eyes, although Spencer didn't see a change, most people wouldn't. I knew her answer before she said no, she had to go home. It was days before we spoke, before she called me in a hesitant voice to ask if she could come over. We agreed to "give it a try", but we didn't discuss what that meant. It was a wimpy way for us to date without calling it that, but it relieved us both of a lot of pressure. We didn't tell anyone, we tried to act the same when other people were around.

I chugged a little more water. My phone vibrated, and I glanced at it without intending to answer. Nikki, one of my friends from school. I looked away. I couldn't think of anything she could have to say that I would want to hear. After a few rings it stopped. I was left alone in the dark again. The only light came from the light of my cd player and dvd player. I laid back down and wrapped my blankets around me. I'd turned the AC on ridiculously high, my room was freezing, but my blankets were thick and warm and it made me feel a tiny bit better to be wrapped in this warm cocoon. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I hated being awake. I just wanted to sleep. I never wanted to wake up. I wanted to hover in that place in my mind where the world didn't exist, where reality was what I dreamed. Where I could be with Sam.

I felt the tears slide down my face and I ignored them, trying to still the trembling that had just started in my hands. I bit my lip and berated myself, trying to focus on something, but there was nothing. Its hard to explain what I did when I wasn't thinking of Sam, but it was like turning my mind off. The only thoughts I ever had were of Sam, it seemed, like I didn't know how to think of anything else. I thought of her now. I gave up on holding back the tears. I cried, quickly getting hysterical, sobbing into my pillow and curling up into the fetal position. My throat felt raw, my eyes sore and puffy. I knew I looked pathetic.

I wondered how she looked right now. Wonder if she cried over me at all. I imagined her, but I couldn't imagine Sam breaking down like this. Instead I could imagine her somewhere in the city, probably at a party, laughing, having fun with other friends. I doubted I crossed her mind. Shed left me, and instead of going on I sat down and watched her leave. I couldn't go after her. This wasn't a case of her being taken, this wasn't something I could fix or fight, this was Sam not wanting to be with me anymore. The thought made me sob harder.

How could she just walk away? How could she say that she would never forget me, but she doesn't want to be with me anymore? How could…how could she do this to me…?

_I stood there, frozen. I tried to open my mouth, to say something, anything…but I can't. My mind stopped working, all I can think is, _no, Sam, no._ She wasn't looking at me anymore, although I had yet to look away, she was staring at the floor, biting her lip, wringing her hands. She looked guilty. She looked like she hated doing this. So why was she? Why? _

"_Why?" And I realized I'd managed to speak, albeit in a nearly voiceless whisper that sounded nothing like me. I saw her flinch and lower her gaze further, her hair falling forward to block her face from view. I crossed the few feet between us in seconds and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I saw she was crying, but her eyes still only said sorry, she had yet to take back her words. I tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ears, trying to relax my face muscles, and trying to stop the tears that were trying to escape my eyes. I was failing miserably, and as I dropped my hand from her face it was shaking. She grabbed it and squeezed._

"_I'm sorry," she whispered, squeezing again. "I'm so sorry, Carls…I…I can't do this anymore." She shook her head and a few tears fell from her eyes. I didn't wipe them away. I couldn't move again. She…wasn't taking it back.. She really thought we shouldn't do this anymore.. My hands shook more and she tightened her grip, pulling me into a tight hug, and I held tightly to her, crying in her shoulder._

"_Why?" I repeated, sobbing into her sweatshirt, the shaking spreading to the rest of my body. "please, I'm sorry….we, I'll fix it, I promise. I'm sorry." I tried desperately, but I could feel her shaking her head._

"_Don't apologize, Carls." She whispered, rubbing the small of my back soothingly. "Please don't say sorry. This is my fault. I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I can't…" I could hear her voice breaking slightly, and I reached one hand up to run my fingers through her beautiful, long blonde hair. "I don't want to do this anymore." She whispered, her voice breaking from guilt at the end of the sentence. She pulled back to look at me , holding my face in her hands carefully, like I might break from her touch. _

_I felt like I would._

"_I'm sorry." She said again, biting her lip. "We can't do this anymore….I can't do this anymore. We…God, Carls, what did we think was gonna happen?" She went quiet, her eyes closed tightly. After a few moments she opened them again and looked at me. My mind was still repeating, _no, Sam, no,_ like some sort of mantra. She wiped some tears away with her thumb, and forced a smile through her own tears. "I don't regret this, Carls, I don't regret you…I just can't do this anymore. I'm never gonna forget this, you know that, right? You know I'll never forget you? I'll always love you, I just…we can't be together anymore."_

"_Why?" I begged again, feeling my heart breaking more and more every time she spoke. I felt like my heart had stopped beating and turned to glass. Every word she spoke broke it more, and the shards were tearing holes in me. It was hard to breathe, like there was a pressure on my chest, my throat felt tight. My heartbeat was pounding in my ears, my hands shaking, my knees weak. "Why can't we be together anymore?"_

_She looked caught off guard, then sad again, rubbing her thumbs across my cheeks, and I saw her close her eyes as I closed mine. "I…I can't do this anymore. I don't want to." Her voice shook again. "god, Carls, you don't know how hard this is, but it's the only thing to do. I can't keep running around with you at night and lying about it to everyone during the day, I can't keep lying to everyone…." I opened my eyes and looked at her, but she still had her eyes closed, although I could feel her body tense up even more. She struggled to continue and I watched her as she talked. She was beautiful, even upset._

_Even destroying my world._

"_I can't tell anyone…you know what they'll say. My mom-" here her voice definitely cracked and I saw her expression flick to one of pain as she looked away, trying to get it back to the dim expression of guilt from before. "-she would never talk to me again…she, god, she'd hate me…." She was shaking, but I couldn't bring myself to pull her close. I couldn't move that much. My mind was racing, a million thoughts per second…but I couldn't really finish any thought. _Sam, no._ She slid one hand to the back of my neck and rested her forehead against mine, and I could smell her cotton candy spray she always wore. Her breath was hot on my face. She slowly leaned in and kissed me, I could feel the goodbye, the finality in the kiss, and I poured as much love and passion and pain into that kiss that I possibly could._

_When she pulled away, slowly, crying, I let her. When she started walking away, I let my arms fell limply to my sides, and I watched her go. She hesitated at the door, looking at me one last time, and I thought she might come back. But she didn't. She turned around and walked out._

_She just walked out. Just walked out the door, out of my apartment and out of my life. How could anybody just walk away from someone they say they love? How could anyone see what they were doing to her, to their lover, and just apologize and walk away?_

Maybe if I'd yelled, maybe if I hadn't just watched her go I could have convinced her to stay. Maybe there was something I could have said that would have stopped her. Maybe. I couldn't think of anything. I stopped thinking and let myself sink into the nothingness that was sleep.

_._


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Almost Love Her

Note: Hey this was written really quickly, so forgive any errors. Chapter three is partially written, I'll finish it sometime in the next few days. If I get any reviews I'll update faster.

Chapter 2

Spencer stood in the corner, watching Carly finally cry herself to sleep. He was crying, too, his heart broken from watching what had happened to his little sister. He had tried everything to get her out of this depression, he even tried taking her out of the city but she wouldn't leave. She'd scared him when he hesitantly said he thought they should go visit their parents.. The look in her eyes, it wasn't even Carly. It was like she was another person. The hate, she wasn't even rational, it took him nearly an hour to calm her down enough that she would _talk to him _again. She'd screamed at him, threatened him, threatened to run away, to hurt herself…things Carly would never have done. He still couldn't believe he hadn't known what was going on between her and Sam. He'd had his suspicions but he thought Carly would talk to him.

He felt his hands curl into fists, the helpless feeling washing over him. He didn't know what to do. He'd tried to go get Sam to talk to her, but when he went to her house, her mother had answered the door drunk and said she hadn't seen Sam since the day she went to talk to Carly. She had had no idea what had gone on, and he hadn't told her about it, instead leaving his number and a note for Sam, begging her to call him. He'd gone back since then, and she had yet to be home. He was worried about her, scared if he didn't find her Carly would just lay in her bed until she died. She didn't care about anything anymore. There was no life in her eyes, just this dazed, pained look all the time. He had tried comforting her when she cried, but she had stopped letting him. He hated to watch her cry and do nothing, but he felt like it was his responsibility to see the pain he wasn't fixing. This was his little sister, he loved her more than anything in the world and he couldn't do anything to help her. He'd tried a therapist, she had screamed and raged at him for days and didn't talk to him for nearly a week. The therapist had left, giving him strict instructions to keep a very close eye on her. She thought Carly should be hospitalized. He had refused, but now he was wondering if that was the right decision.

He heard someone coming up the stairs and he wiped his face, glancing at the doorway as Freddie filled it. Spencer nodded to him, and Freddie joined him to stare sadly at the sleeping Carly. She looked so thin. She'd lost so much weight in the last three weeks…she looked like she wasting away. She hadn't touched the sandwich Freddie had left. Spencer knew she hadn't eaten in days, and that water bottle was the first thing she'd drank. He didn't delude himself into thinking it was progress, he knew it wouldn't last.

"Has she talked to you?" He asked Freddie, who his head miserably.

"She slept through me coming earlier and before that she wouldn't talk to me. Spencer, look at her…" His voice cracked and he looked down. Spencer out a hand on his shoulder in understanding, and fought back a sob. "I tried Sam's again." Freddie whispered, dropping his voice even more and nodding towards the hallway. Spencer followed him and they walked to the stairwell, sitting on the top step, leaving Carly's door open to hear her if she got up.

"Well?" Spencer asked, but without hope. Freddie clearly had no good news.

"I'm really worried, she still hasn't been home, and her mom doesn't even care. I looked in Sam's room, and it's not like she took anything with her that I can see. Her clothes are still there, her pictures, _everything_. It's like she just walked out and left everything." He looked down, and Spencer felt a surge of sympathy for Freddie. Carly, his best friend, the girl he'd always been in love with, was laying in her room down the hall, refusing to eat or get out of bed or talk to anyone but Spencer anymore. His other best friend, Sam, had disappeared off the face of the earth and could be dead for all they knew.

Spencer wasn't sure how he felt about Sam right now. He was torn between blaming her for what was going on with his sister, and fear for her well-being. He'd known her since she was a little girl, she was like family. If he'd known about her and Carly he would have had no problems with it. He would have been glad Carly found someone so early in life that could make her happy, because he knew that no one could make her s happy as Sam did. It had always shocked him how easily Carly's mood was influenced by Sam. He was sure Sam was the only one that could save Carly from this depression, but he had no idea how to find her, and he had no idea if she would even talk to Carly. He believed she would, he knew she loved his sister. He'd seen the way she catered to Carly's wishes, the way she looked at her when she thought no one was looking. He knew the looks had been going on before even Carly realized it, none of them realized how much he saw around the apartment.

"I called everyone I could get a hold of from school, and no one's seen or heard from Sam. I left her picture at all her favorite hangouts, and at gas stations and markets, but…no one's seen her and no one's called me. I just got back from dropping pictures off at the hospitals and the last of the bus stations. I thought she might take a train, you know she used to hop trains sometimes and she always planned on going again," he paused and cleared his throat, blinking back tears. "So I gave her picture to some of the Union Pacific guys and the BNSF guys, but…Spence, I don't know if they would admit they saw her even if they did. You heard Sam's stories, you know she wouldn't have lied, those guys don't just arrest the people they see on the trains sometimes they hurt them, even kids…" he stopped and shuddered, shaking his head. He didn't look well. Like Carly, he looked ill, drawn and pale, with circles under his eyes. He didn't look like he had eaten much lately. His mother was terrified, she had tried to stop him from coming over but he had refused, simply walking right past her out the door and over to the Shay's. She'd asked Spencer to tell him not to come over, but he'd refused. Freddie helped Carly, even if only a little. He and Spencer were the only ones Carly had.

"It's okay, Freddie, I'm sure she'll come back." Spencer sighed. But he did think about the stories she'd told him. She hated the 'yard bulls', her friend had been put in the hospital by two of them who nearly beat him to death with clubs. He'd only been seventeen. Sam was seventeen now, younger than Carly. Spencer couldn't stop the image of two grown men with clubs attacking Sam from entering his mind, and he shuddered. Sam was touch, but she was so small and so young. They heard Carly's phone vibrate and glanced back, but there was no sound of Carly stirring. "Look, you need to get some sleep. I'm gonna sleep up here so I can keep checking on her, but you should go home, Freddie. Get some sleep, eat something, you're not gonna be much help if you don't."

Freddie nodded, wiping his eyes and slowly climbing down the stairs. Halfway down he paused and looked back up. "Spencer…" He hesitated, looking away. "I…I'm scared because if Carly's like this, imagine how Sam is." He seemed to be struggling to find the right words to express himself. Freddie rarely talked about how he felt. "Carly's here, at home, but Sam…Sam could be anywhere, with anyone, and if she's in the same state as Carly…" He stopped there, his voice cracking, as he looked away, but Spencer understood. He paused. He hadn't considered Sam would be the same as Carly, she's the one who broke up with _her,_ not the other way around.

Spencer pinched the bridge of his nose. "She broke up with Carly." He reminded him simply.

Freddie hesitated, looking away. "Spencer…you don't know Sam as well as we do." When Spencer nodded, he continued, avoiding the older man's eyes. "Sam's mother…well, Sam's dad died when she was young, I'm sure you remember." Again Spencer nodded. "Her mom just snapped after that. Sam doesn't talk about it much, but I've heard her talking to Carly about it. Her mom's a drunk, she's abusive, and she's not quite sane anymore.. She dates all these losers and brings them home and sometimes they hit Sam…" Spencer's eyes were big now, he knew Sam's home life wasn't great, but she always laughed about it, making jokes about her mom yelling at the cat. He didn't know…he stopped thinking when Freddie kept talking.

"She…she told me a couple months ago, when she was really drunk, that if she couldn't come here anymore, she wouldn't…she wouldn't…" He stopped, leaning against the wall and sobbing. Spencer was shocked, he walked over to the boy and hugged him. Freddie kept sobbing, but he struggled totalk through it. "…she said she wouldn't want to live anymore." he finished, barely above a whisper. "She said me, you, and Carly were the only reasons she got out of bed every day. God, Spence, what if she meant it? What if…?" He stopped himself. Spencer was shocked. Sam. She could be anywhere.

"Why…why would she break up with Carly?" Spencer asked him. He had a feeling the boy knew more than he'd said before.

"Her mom…she's a piece of shit, but Sam really loves her, she's her only family, ya know? She does everything for her, she tries to hard to please her so she'll tell Sam she loves her. She…she tried to tell her mom abut her and Carly." Spencer froze. He'd assumed Sam's mom hadn't known anything, but… "Her mom freaked out. The things she said to her…Sam came over to my house, you guys weren't home. She was so upset, I've never really seen Sam cry before but she couldn't stop. She kept asking me what to do, but I didn't know what to tell her. She said she needed her mom. She said her mom wouldn't love her if she was with Carly, but she knew Carly would love her no matter what. I…I didn't realize what she meant until later. When Carly got home, Sam went over to talk to her. When I came by a little bit later, Carly…well, you know. Sam was already gone."

Spencer stared at him, mouth slightly open. "Why wouldn't her mom say something?"

"Why would she? Even if Sam has been home, we have no way to know. She knows who we are, she wouldn't tell us anyway. She doesn't want Sam to have anything to do with Carly. But when I went by earlier, I confronted her, and she said Sam had come back, later that day, but she had kicked her out again. Well, more like her boyfriend threw her out. She told Sam that she may have broken up with Carly, but she was still in love with her, and she couldn't come home until she wasn't." Freddie bit his lip and looked away. "I know you don't want to hear this, Spencer, but I think Sam might be worse off than Carly."


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Almost Love Her**

Note: This is sort of filler, I've been toying with an idea for the next chapter so I cut this one short. Expect an update within twenty four hours though. I actually finished up this chapter just now because i happened to check my account, and noticed how many hits there were, and that I had a couple reviews. So I was supposed to have already gone shopping and I need to start dinner soon, but instead I'm just now getting ready to leave because I typed this update instead. Sorry if its dissappointing but its getting to the interesting parts now. The next chapter will be the last, and definately the longest.

After Freddie was gone, as Spencer made up his bed in the hallway outside Carly's room, he thought about what he'd just learned. Sam broke up with Carly to try to get her mom to forgive her, when she went home and told her, her mom threw her out anyway. So where had she gone from there? According to Freddie it hadn't looked like she packed anything, and he said her mom said she hadn't been back since then. That was three weeks that Sam had been missing. By now she could be anywhere. If her mom hadn't forgiven her, why wouldn't she just come back and talk to Carly? Carly would have understood.

He knew they had to find Sam. He pulled out his phone and called Saco, standing and walking silently into Carly's room, walking to where she'd hidden all her pictures of Sam in her dresser. He grabbed a couple and went downstairs, the phone ringing in his ear, but Saco had yet to answer. He walked next door, knocking on Freddie's door. He answered almost immediately, looking a little disappointed to see Spencer. "hey, Spencer, whats-?"

"Freddie, I need copies of one of these, I don't care which. I just need as many copies as you can print out with Sam's name and my number on it. Can you do that?' Spencer asked, still holding the phone to his ear. Freddie nodded as Saco answered, and Spencer handed him the pictures and gave him a one minute sign. Freddie left the door open but walked back into his apartment, towards his room.

"Hello?" Saco answered.

"Saco! I need your help!" Spencer said, trying to stay calm. He couldn't believe he'd let his anger at Sam stop him from trying to find her before. He hadn't known the whole story, he'd thought Sam didn't want to be found, he thought she'd just left Carly like this…but what if she _couldn't_ come back now? What if something had happened? It had been three weeks.

"Is it Carly? What happened?" Asked Saco, obviously worried. He knew what was going on, he'd talked to Spencer nearly every day about Carly, calling to check in.

"no, well it is, but mostly its about Sam." Spencer explained.

"Oh, have you found her?" The guy asked, less worried. Spencer winced. Saco had always liked Sam, whenever he came by they always joked around with each other. But he put the Shay's above her, and when he found out what was going on he'd also blamed Sam, probably due to Spencer's biased storytelling.

"No, that's the problem." He explained quickly why Sam had broken up with Carly, and that no one had seen or heard from her still. Saco listened quietly until Spencer was finished. "I need help finding her, I'm printing out flyers with her picture and my number…"

"I'll get a crew together." Saco said immediately. "I'll call Tyler, and we'll call up some people. I'll stop by in a little bit to get the flyers, you just stay there with Carly. Do you have any ideas of where she might be?"

Spencer bit his lip, thinking. "No, but we've already left her pictures at a bunch of places. I'll make a list."

"Print out a map of the city, mark where you've already been." Saco said, and Spencer could hear cars driving by, he'd left his house and was walking somewhere. "I'll be there soon with a crew." and he hung up. Spencer dropped the phone and followed Freddie to his room. Freddie was watching flyers dropping from his printer, he'd ripped open a new package of printer paper and was ready to feed it into the printer when it emptied.

"Freddie does your mom still have that map of Seattle?" he asked, and Freddie got up and walked out, coming back a moment later with a huge map that he unfolded on his floor. Spencer grabbed a couple sharpies off Freddie's desk and sat down, marking in blue the places they'd already left pictures, marking Sam's house in red, along with his and Freddie's apartment building. Looking at the map, he realized even with Freddie's constant efforts, they'd hardly made any progress. There was still so much more places with no marks than the blue marks. Sighing he leaned back.

"Whats going on?" Freddie asked him, putting more paper in his printer and setting aside a nearly inch high stack of flyers.

"I called Saco, he's gonna get a crew together. We're gonna cover the town in posters." Spencer shrugged, looking at the map still. "I don't know how much good it will do if something's already happened or if she's out of town-" Spencer stopped at the look on Freddie's face, redirecting his sentence. "-but I'm sure she's safe, somewhere here in town."

Freddie kicked his floor and leaned back, taking a deep breath. "But if she's still in town for someone to see her, then she's fine and doesn't _want_ to come home." Freddie pointed out.

Spencer thought about it. Either Sam wasn't coming back to Carly because she didn't want to, or she couldn't. Or, if she thought she couldn't. No matter what though, he was finding it hard to keep blaming her. It had been easier when she wasn't around and he didn't worry about her, but as soon as he'd let himself dwell he realized he couldn't stay mat at Sam. Sam is like family, and she was faced with a touch choice and she made a mistake. But she needed to come home now and make things rights. First, with Carly.

He didn't know what would happen between them, but something had to. Carly couldn't live like this, and Sam…well, who knows? Even if they didn't get back together, it couldn't make it any worse. It was hard to guess what went on in Sam's mind, she was very…complicated. Normally he appreciated her unique mind, but right now he wished she was mediocre and predictable so at least they'd be able to find her. He wished Carly was okay. She could probably find Sam in a heartbeat, Spencer has never once heard Carly complain she couldn't find Sam, or couldn't get a hold of Sam.

Spencer sat up. "Wait, doesn't Sam have a cell phone?" He asked Freddie, who was taking deep calming breaths and leaning his chair back on two legs, his feet hooked on the computer desk.

"Yeah. I've been calling it. She won't answer, but its still on which means she's charging it sometimes. Or someone is." Freddie said, not very excited. Spencer paused. If Sam ignored Freddie, her best friend's call, then he couldn't just call her on _his_ cell phone.

"Carly's phone is upstairs." Spencer said softly, and the front two legs of Freddie's chair hit the floor.

Carly's POV

When I woke up, I immediately noticed the sound of running feet coming up the stairs. It was the first time I'd heard anyone running in this apartment for a long time, especially Spencer…and, was that Freddie? I couldn't tell for sure but I'd know in a second anyway. I sat up against my headboard again and stared., not so much curious, which requires interest, as tired. But they were running up the stairs to _my _room, so it's not like I could expect to sleep more anyway. Just then Spencer and Freddie filled my doorway, staring at me with wide eyes. They both looked like they were getting over a bad flu.

"Carly," Spencer tried to greet me casually, but it was obvious he was up to something. I looked at Freddie, and caught him staring at my bedside table. As soon as he sensed my gaze he tried to look away, but I'd already noticed. I followed his line of vision to my cell phone. I reached out and grabbed it, unhooking it from the charger. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Spencer and Freddie exchange looks.

"Why do you want this?" I asked, opening my missed calls list and scrolling down. I wondered what they were trying to hide from me, had something happened? _Oh god_, I could hardly breath, my finger froze on the keypad. _One Missed Call From: My Sam._ Two hours ago. _Oh God. _"What happened?" I demanded them, feeling fear. Sam. She had ignored all my phone calls for the first week, that was why I had broken my phone, throwing it at the wall, where it sat for two weeks until Freddie picked it up. Freddie and Spencer were both just standing there, mouth slightly open. Freddie looked scared. "_What happened?!"_

"Nothing, Carly! We just…we want to use your phone to call someone." Spencer said, honestly. I stared at him. There was more to it. Who could they want to call? Why wouldn't they use their own phones?

"Why wouldn't you use the house phone?" I asked, looking back down at Sam's name on the missed calls list. I wanted to call her. More, I wanted to _not _want to call her. But I knew I would. I bit my lip, staring at her name, thinking. What could I say? All this time I'd felt like I had so much to say, but I didn't even know what to say when she answered. Its not like '_Hey, how are you?', 'what's up?', _or, _'You called?'_ fit the bill. What do I even say to her? What could she have to say to me? I suddenly realized Spencer was supposed to be answering my questions. "Well?"

Spencer looked at Freddie, and so did I. He hesitated, then blurted, "_Sam's missing and we need to call her from your phone so she'll answer it because she's ignoring us._" He sucked in breath and stared at us. _Sam's….missing?_

"Since when?" I asked, shocked. _How could they not tell me? What if something happened to her? What if her mom did something? Oh god, if Sam's mother found out about us….Sam would be devastated. Her mom is her family, she has no one else_. I tried to focus. I felt like it was hard, like there was the world in my head and the world around me. Not in a crazy way, in a way like I was forgetting to listen to people because I was too focused on my thoughts. Maybe that was crazy.

Spencer and Freddie exchanged looks again and neither answered. Now I was scared. They both seemed to be searching for the words to say, but…what _happened?_ "What happened?" I yelled, and I felt out of breath from it. I realized I was hyperventilating, and I focused on calming down. Sam…something had happened to her. _That's why they won't tell me. _So much for calming down. My breathing got worse and suddenly Spencer was holding me, whispering to me.

"Shhh, nothing happened, we just don't know where Sam is and we want to talk to her. We just want to make sure she's okay. You need to breathe. Calm down and take deep breaths." Over his shoulder he told Freddie, "her bottom drawer on the right, in a sock, there's an inhaler. Get it." He ordered, then turned back to me. My face was buried in his shirt. Sam. I needed to call her. I needed to talk to her. I was still terrified. I didn't quite believe Spencer. I pushed him away, and I glanced up in time to see the hurt in his eyes. I turned away and grabbed my phone. Hesitantly, I pressed dial.

My hands were shaking as I held the phone to my ear. I chewed the tip of my thumb, my eyes out of focus, all my attention on the phone that was ringing in my ear. It didn't even get through the second quick burst of rings before it was answered. "_Hello_?" It was definitely Sam, but she sounded terrible. She sounded like something was wrong, very wrong. Again, I felt the fear touch me. Sam _never _sounded like this, she didn't get scared, or upset. Her voice was throaty, scratchy.

"Sam?" I asked, not quite sure what to say. I heard a sharp intake of breath.

"_Carly."_ Confirmed Sam, and I heard her draw in a shuddering breath. "_I…._" She paused again. "_I'm sorry_." She mostly whispered. I could hardly hear her. But it sounded like she was crying.

"Sam-" I started, but she cut me off.

"_No, Carls, listen to me, its _my _fault. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," _she was definitely crying, her words pausing for a second and I felt the tears running down my cheeks when I heard Sam sobbing. "_I can't believe I did that, I'm so sorry. I was lying. It's not that I didn't want to be with you, I just…god, I didn't know how to be without my mom."_ I was confused, but I listened, feeling…hope? Not quite, but something. Interest. "_I tried to tell her, Carls, I tried…" _She stopped talking, I could feel the phone shifting. She had moved the mouthpiece away so I couldn't hear her. But I understood. I'd been trying to convince Sam we should tell people, specifically Spencer and her mom, for some time. But she was so scared of losing her mom….Sam acts tough, but she would do anything for that woman, her day is made when her mom actually speaks to her sober. It's rare, but Sam insists that's the real her, and that some day she'll quit drinking.

I don't believe it.

"Sam, its okay." I whispered, not sure if she could hear me. "Sam?" Why wasn't she talking? "Sam?!"

"_I'm here, Carly_," she responded, her voice guilty. "_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry_." Now I was more afraid than ever.

"Sam, baby, come over? Please?" I begged, trying to hide my fear. Something was wrong. Her voice, her words…there was something more than just a guilty conscious fueling this. I was having trouble breathing again, and Freddie immediately handed me my inhaler. I hadn't used this since I was eight. I twisted the mouthpiece away so I could hear Sam but she couldn't hear the inhaler. I pressed the button and took a deep breath. Immediately I felt a difference.

"_Carly…I…" _She hesitated, coughing. "_…I can't. Carly, I….I love you. You know that, right?"_ She sounded...oh god, like she was saying goodbye. Her voice, that guilty break in her words and breathing that just screamed she was about to break your heart. Her voice was a little frantic now, "_Carly!? You know I love you, right?" _She was near hysterics, and so was I. But I was trying to act calm. I needed to calm her down. I needed to find out what was going on.

"Sam, what did you do?" My voice was low, too; scratchy.

"_Carly, I'm sorry. I love you."_ She was sobbing, hardly listening.

"Sam, I love you, too! And of course I know how much you love me. I love you more than you will ever understand." My voice broke, dropping weakly back to a choked, horrified whisper. "What did you do, Sam? Oh god, _what did you do_?"

There was more sobs on the other end. Suddenly I remembered Spencer and Freddie were in the room. They were standing around me, trying to hear what they could, looking terrified. My room felt small, and suddenly there wasn't enough space for us all in here. I could feel my breathing quicken, but I couldn't hear it. I could only hear Sam's ragged breathing and broken sobs. I was shaking again. "Sam, please, tell me…"

"_Carly…I…I'm sorry." _Sam said, crying, barely making sense. "_I…I took a bottle of vicodin before you called." _

I froze.

Before I could process a single thought, I felt an immediate panic at her words.

"Oh my god. Sam, where are you? You need to get to a hospital, now!" I was trying to breathe, but finding it impossible. My eyes were wide, I was panting, but I _couldn't breathe!_ "Sam!"

"_I'm sorry, Carly, I'm sorry…" _She was crying, too, and that made it worse somehow. Sam's always the strong one, even when she was breaking up with me, she held _me, _comforted _me. _It's always worse when you're hearing a strong person break. When you know all the things they've been through, and you know what they're feeling right now has to be so much worse to actually break them. _Sam._

"Sam, I love you, please, you can't…" I couldn't finish.

"_Carly…its too late."_ Her words felt like knives. Like every syllable was pushing blades deeper into my chest. I sucked desperately at my inhaler. It helped a little, I was realizing this was a panic attack, not an asthma attack, but I figured the medicine should help. I was trying to calm myself down to help Sam. I needed to be strong for once, for her.

"Its not too late. You…you need to get help. Sam, please, I need you," I could feel my tight control on my emotions slipping. I felt like _I_ was slipping away. By losing Sam, I would lose everything. I knew it. I couldn't live without her. I still didn't understand what was going on, why she'd broken up with me, but I had an idea. I wasn't mad. I understood. "Sam, please…"

Her breathing was off, it sounded ragged, like she was having trouble. I immediately took notice. "Sam, are you okay?"

"_Carly, I…I don't think so. I'm sorry. I thought…I don't know, I just…I'm sorry. It's my fault. I just…I'm alone."_ Her words made me sob harder. I covered the mouthpiece and listened. "_I have no family, they don't even want me. They've all left. They all left me, Carly! And then I….what I said to you…."_ She just stopped there, crying. "_I love you, Carly, so much. I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. This is my fault."_

"Sam! Please!…don't leave _me," _I tried, but the other end of the phone was silent but for deep, even more ragged breaths. "oh god, Sam, please no."


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Almost Love Her

Based on: iCarly inspired by A Fine Frenzy's song, "Almost Lover"

Summary: Carly struggles to deal after Sam breaks up with her, trying to understand what went wrong and where she's supposed to go from here. CAM. Im terrible at summaries.

Genre(s): Romance/Angst

Author's Note(s): Hey guys so sorry for the wait, but I'm not dead. I've had three endings written but none of them really felt like they finished the story in a very satisfactory fashion. So I just got home and got sick of staring at the same words and trying to decide between three endings that I've since decided simply don't cut it. So I am rewriting it. Here's the first part of it, just sort of backtracking and explaining things more, the first part of the next chapter will be the same, then it will progress the actual timeline. The next chapter will be the last, I swear, and I'm sorry it took this long. The ending will be up tomorrow. Please, review, I'm only posting this half of the ending to reclaim some interest. I really need feedback on this, and I'd like to know if I lost everyone. BTW, if I reach twenty-five reviews within the week I will post an epilogue, too.

Chapter Four Part 1

Carlys POV

I didn't know what to do. I was still screaming and crying and begging on the phone line, but she wasn't responding, and I knew there was nothing I could do over the phone. Spencer and Freddie were yelling at me, but I ignored them, I didn't know what to say. I was trying to calm down and think straight, but how could I when I was listening to the love of my life die? "Sam, please," I sobbed into the phone as it slipped through my shaking fingers, and I rolled onto my side and curled up tightly, holding myself tightly.

"What am I supposed to do?" I moaned, but could think of nothing. I had no idea where she was. I tried to think of everything she'd said. She'd given me no hints. _Sam, you have to be okay…._ She had said nothing of where she was, or where she'd been. I felt the pressure on my chest building, and curled a little tighter. _Sam._ I couldn't stop the panic. Because I knew there was nothing I could do. No way I could help her. _Sam, where are you?_ I'd let her down. The one time she needed me to be strong for her and I let her down. I could hear Spencer and Freddie arguing, one of them had grabbed the phone because they were holding it between their ears, trying to listen. They couldn't help either.

It was too late.

(Author's note: from here on in it's the rewrite I just did. Review and tell me what you think.)

There was a reason Sam never spent much time at home, and right now it's bloodshot eyes were glaring at her across the kitchen table.

Sam forced herself to swallow nervously, trying desperately to think of an answer to her mom's question that wouldn't result in a bad situation. She felt the panic rising in her chest, a tightness that made it hard to breathe, to _think._ It was something she's been growing use to lately, and she recognized the panic attack coming on, and she fought it. She couldn't lose it now. She had to think of a lie, and quickly. _She knows, she knows, she knows._

"_What is that _thing _on your neck?!" _Her mother repeated, screaming now, slamming her drink onto the table and standing, seeming to vibrate with her anger. Sam's hand was already slapped over the hickey, and she could feel her heart racing under her fingertips as they dug slightly into her skin, her other hand curling into a fist at her side. "You little slut," her mother spat at her, looking disgusted. Sam flinched and stepped back. It wasn't the first time her mother had said it to her, and it wasn't the worst Sam had heard, but it still hurt.

"Mom, its not what you think…" Sam pleaded, her mind racing as she tried to think of an excuse. It was a bruise, a burn, a bug bite…nothing believable. It was fairly obvious the brush of purple on her collarbone, ugly against her pale skin, was a bite mark. Carly and Sam had giggled when they'd first discovered it, before Sam covered it with a tight-necked tee. When she leaned over to glance in the fridge, her shirt had shifted just so…

_She knows, she knows, she knows. Oh, Jesus, she fucking __**knows.**_

"Then what is it, Sam?" Her mom demanded, arms crossed, her words slightly slurred. Her stance was definitely aggressive, daring Sam to challenge her, to argue with her.

"You've been drinking?" Sam asked, trying to sound like she didn't care. This was bad. Her mother was completely irrational when she was drunk. Sam hadn't even realized she'd been drinking until now, until the anger made her mother stand and actually speak to Sam. The kitchen seemed to small, like it couldn't hold this much tension and anger and _fear_. Yes, even Sam is afraid of some things, and right now she was terrified. Not of her mother physically, she would smack her around sometimes, sure, but she would never really hurt her.

_She knows, she knows, she knows._

"Don't try to turn this around on me." She said coldly. "We're not discussing me. We're discussing the hickeys all over your body! You think I haven't noticed your empty bed every night? You think I haven't heard the hushed phone calls and found your little love notes?" She began striding towards Sam, who backed up until the kitchen counter hit her back. "I know what you're doing, you stupid little slut!" Her voice grew louder as she walked, and when she reached Sam her hand shot out and slapped her across the face. Sam's arm shot out and gripped the counter, holding it so tight her knuckles were white.

"Mom, its not what you think." Sam repeated, tears beginning to form in her eyes. Sam rarely showed her real feelings, but right now she couldn't control herself. _She knows, she knows, she knows. _She could feel the tightness getting worse in her chest, and she felt like she wasn't getting enough air, she was breathing in air but her lungs wouldn't absorb the oxygen. Her head was beginning to feel light, her heart was racing, and all she could do was stutter out words. She couldn't think clearly enough to lie. This was her worst fear. Her mom finding out the truth, finding out where her daughter's been sleeping, and with who. She knew what would happen, but she couldn't think of how to avoid it. "I was at Carly's, Mom, _please_, you have to believe me. You can call and ask Spencer, please…" She tried, and her mom seemed to be listening. She had stopped vibrating now, and grinding her teeth, and was instead still.

Too still.

Her eyes were far away, vaguely horrified. Sam realized she was panting, and her face felt clammy. She bit her lip tightly and watched her mom, not sure what to do, or if she should say something. _She knows, she knows, she knows._

"You're not lying," she finally whispered, as though she'd been expecting her to. Slowly her eyes shifted to Sam, and Sam flinched. The hate and disgust in her mother's eyes was too much, the accompanying slap was less painful. Sam felt the tears sliding freely down her face as she realized her mother knew the truth. She knew Sam far too well, she could read her like a book, could see through her petty games and distractions. It was why Sam had always been so terrified she would find out, she couldn't believe that she _wouldn't._ "You…and Carly?" The words made Sam look away, suddenly feeling ashamed. Ashamed for being with Carly, for loving her. It was wrong, she knew that, but she couldn't stop herself. Carly was perfect, the perfect person, the perfect friend, the perfect lover. How could Sam _not_ fall in love with her? She felt disgusted with herself, for not stopping herself, for allowing herself to be in this mess.

"Mom, I'm sorry-" Sam started, but her mothers arm was up and slamming towards her face before she could finish. She flinched but didn't move, even when she realized her mothers hand was closed tightly into a fist this time. The impact made her stumble slightly to the right, her cheekbone feeling like it had been shattered.

"You disgusting little freak." Her mother snapped harshly, vibrating once again, face flushed from anger, and Sam flinched. "I knew I recognized that writing. Too neat to be a boy's, but I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe you would do something so _repulsive._ So _filthy._" Sam flinched at every hissed word, her mouth getting so close to her as she spoke through her teeth that Sam felt spit hitting her face. She didn't care, she didn't lean away. Her heart was trying to beat its way out of her chest and her breathing was coming in quick bursts that weren't deep enough to satisfy her. She focused on listening to her mom and not screaming as the panic nearly overwhelmed her.

"Mom, I'm sorry, please. I…I wont-" Sam blurted frantically, grabbing her Mom's arm to try and make her listen. Her mom just pried her fingers off of her.

"Look at you," she scoffed, stepping away. "You're pathetic. You're just like your father. Disgusting, immoral slob. At least he never fucked anther man, _at least_ he abandoned us for another woman." Every word was a nail in Sam's coffin. She suddenly found it hard to focus, her shaking hands felt the coolness of the counter, and her bare feet were cold against the tile floor. The clock was ticking far too loudly in the corner, and her blood was pounding in her temples, the sound echoing in her head. She still couldn't breath. "get out of here. I can't stand to look at you." Her mother snapped, and Sam felt herself go pale. Her mother had never made her leave the house before. No, she'd always fled by her own choice.

"Mom, please, I'm sorry, I'll never see her again _please_!" Desperate, she grabbed her mom and held her tight, locking her wrists behind her mom's back, not letting her push her away although her mom was definitely trying. This was her last chance. She couldn't lose her mother.

Her father had left them by his own choice, a part of the story she'd never told anyone. Sam had always been a daddy's girl, waiting by the window for him to get home every night, giggling when he made Mommy get him another beer and her another juice. She'd loved him. But he had never really cared about her. He meets a young, blonde bartender, and that was all it took to call him away. Then he died, just six days later. Her mother had been heartbroken, even after what he'd done to them. She had always loved him. Sam couldn't blame her for her drinking, or her desperate need to always have someone in bed with her. She understood the pain, the bizarre, senseless things that could ease the pain. Even her grandparents had stopped visiting years ago. None of her mom's boyfriends wanted her there, so eventually they all left. Her only relative she had a relationship with besides her mother, her Uncle Jack, had died three months earlier. Her mother was the only one who'd always been there, always stayed with her. She was the only family Sam had left. The only person who had ever loved her besides Carly was her mother, and she couldn't lose her now.

"Mom, please, I'll do whatever you want. I'll break up with her, I'll never speak to her again! I don't care about her, okay? I love you, Mom, please, don't do this to me. I _need _you, mom," she sobbed into her shoulder, knowing it was useless. Her mother didn't seem to know what to do, she had stopped trying to push Sam away(although Sam still felt the aches where her mother had tried to hit her and push her away, she was sure there would be bruises) but wasn't hugging her either. Sam settled on just holding her, trying to convince herself this would turn out okay. Somehow her mother would forgive her. She couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth, the promises she was making, but she would say anything to stop her mom now, anything to get enough time to figure this out. Her breathing wasn't getting easier, and she was sweating and panting hard now.

"Sam, you need to calm down." Her mom said, her voice sounding….off, weird.

Sam tried to suck in a deep breath, but she couldn't. She could breathe. "Mom, help." She said, terrified, letting go of her mom to grab her ribs. "I can't breathe, mom, help." Her mom immediately stepped away, and Sam felt like she'd been punched in the gut. Her mom just wanted to get away from her. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't move. The air had turned to water and she couldn't breathe and could hardly see or understand. She felt herself hit the floor, the panic overriding every other thought as she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Her mom seemed torn, taking a step towards her and hovering uncertainly over her. Sam closed her eyes tightly and listened to her mother's footsteps fading away.

She forced herself to focus on her breathing,. _It's just a panic attack. You can't die from a panic attack. I am breathing, I just _think_ I'm not._ She repeated to herself over and over again, trying to calm herself, but even though she _knew_ the words were true, she didn't _feel_ that way. She didn't know how long she laid there, but when she was finally breathing normally again, she realized the house was too quiet. She forced herself to sit up, leaning back against the counters as she tried to decide what to do. First off, she had to find her mom.

She stood and walked shakily to the sink, splashing her face and neck with cold water. She listened for her mom, normally you could tell exactly where she was in the house from the noises she made. Sam hesitated, then started walking through the house. When she had checked the last room, she felt the cold finger of fear run down her spine again. _She's gone,_ she thought, panicking again. She forced herself to remain calm as she searched the house again, knowing she wasn't there, but checking again anyway. This time she noticed the hastily scribbled note by the living room phone.

Sam,

I can't believe you would do this to me, and yourself.

I'll be back in an hour, and I expect you to be gone

by then. I don't care where you go as long as you're

not here. This was your decision, your mistake, live with it.

Sam felt frozen, reading the note again and again, her hand tightening and crumpling the edges. Her mother wanted her gone. She didn't care enough to ask Sam to call later and tell her she was safe, that she wasn't sleeping on a street. She hated her.

Because she was with Carly.

Sam didn't know what to do, but she knew she needed to leave. Quickly, she went to her room, grabbing a backpack and throwing a few changes of clothes in, and her two favorite pictures out of her top drawer. One of her with both of her parents when they were young and she was just a baby, her dad holding her proudly and smiling at the camera, his other arm wrapped protectively around his wife, who was staring up at him lovingly. The next was of Carly and Sam, Sam holding the camera above them while they laid on the grass. Just before she'd snapped the picture of them laying side by side, their cheeks flushed from their race across the field, Carly had turned and kissed Sam on the cheek. Sam loved the picture.

Pulling a sweatshirt on and trading her pajama pants for jeans, she pulled on her socks and shoes and ran downstairs and out her back door, taking a short cut while she tried desperately to come up with a plan.

In the meantime, she was headed towards Carly's.

Authors Note(again): So whatdja think? Review and lemme know. Oh, and I'm going to start trying to post little notes and updates on stories and such more regularly on my profile page if anyone's interested, but don't expect it right away. And does anyone know if its possible to stop from stripping the different fonts?


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Almost Love Her

Based on: iCarly inspired by A Fine Frenzy's song, "Almost Lover"

Summary: Carly struggles to deal after Sam breaks up with her, trying to understand what went wrong and where she's supposed to go from here. CAM. I'm terrible at summaries.

Genre(s): Romance/Angst

Author's Note(s): I'm really not sure how happy I am with this ending, it feels a little rushed, but I wanted to keep my word. Here's the promised update. If anyone wants an epilogue, drop a review. If anyone likes the ending or the whole story, drop a review. If you hate it, drop a review. Picking up on a trend here?

Chapter 4 Part 2

Sam's POV

I still didn't know what I wanted to say to Carly, but I'd barely held myself together long enough to walk over here. The tightness in my chest had never completely faded, occasionally flaring up, making me wince from the effort just to keep breathing evenly. I needed Carly, right now. I needed my mom right now, too, but I couldn't have both. But if I didn't have at least one _right now_ I couldn't imagine making it much longer without a breakdown. I'd been trying so hard to hide my fears and anxiety lately, the panic attacks that so often crippled me. I couldn't be strong anymore.

Right now, I just wanted to be selfish. I didn't want to bite my tongue and hold back my thoughts, for fear of stressing out Carly. Right now I just wanted to lay in her arms while she held me, I wanted to tell her how scared I was of losing her, how much it hurt when my mom told me to leave. I wanted to tell her the reason my mom asked about the hickey was because I'd asked what she'd think if I was dating. I hadn't even noticed her staring at it when I came in, trying desperately to seem nonchalant when I asked the question. I wanted Carly to tell me she loved me, too, and that everything would be okay. I wanted her to tell me what to say to my mom to get her back in my life, because I needed her. I loved her, she was my only family.

I knew Carly was afraid I wasn't sure about us, that's why I wouldn't tell, but that's not it. That wasn't what stopped me from telling anyone. It wasn't something I could explain, it would make no sense. My reason for hiding our relationship was simple: I was scared it would go away. That it would be taken away, that Carly would leave me. Every time I've accepted some part of my life as permanent it was taken from me. I knew Carly would never willingly leave me, but I'd thought the same about my dad. I still remembered the pain and betrayal as he kissed me goodbye and tried to tell me it wasn't his fault, I shouldn't hate him for 'loving' her. Everyone I'd ever committed myself to, to making happy, to helping, to loving, had left. Even my mother, who was always there with me, who had let me down time and time again but at least stuck around to keep trying had finally left today. I felt a sense of resignation. Everyone I love, leaves.

Would Carly leave me?

I shuddered at the thought, dismissing it. Carly wouldn't leave me, ever, I wouldn't let her. I couldn't live without her now. Even if we couldn't be together as lovers, we would always be together as friends; I would make sure of that. I needed Carly.

Especially right now.

_Carly isn't like my mother anyway. Mom would only love me if I wasn't with Carly. Carly would love me no matter what._ As I walked down the hallway towards Carly's door, I suddenly felt like I was making a mistake. The feeling that something was wrong, an omen of sorts, washed through me, spreading through my body like a poison. It was strong enough that I hesitated, my steps faltering. What was it about that thought that terrified me, that made the tightness spread to the rest of my chest and into my throat, choking me?

_Mom would only love me if I wasn't with Carly. Carly would love me no matter what._

I realized the implications of what I'd just thought and froze, feeling freezing despite the warmth in the hallway.

_Mom would only love me if I wasn't with Carly. Carly would love me no matter what._

The only way my mother would ever forgive me was is I proved to her that I'm not in love with Carly. Which is hard, since I am. But Carly wasn't like me. While all I had was her and my mother, she had a large, loving family that would support her through anything. She had Fredward, who I teased all the time and acted like I didn't like, but deep down I loved him like a brother. She was popular, she had plenty of friends. She would be okay without me. She didn't need me, not like I needed her. In a way, it bothered me that I was so dependent on her, but it was something I'd accepted long ago.

Could I leave Carly?

Again the thought nearly sent me to my knees, and now I stopped walking to lean against the wall, panting and trying to calm down. I tried not to think about it. _I love Carly, I can't leave her_, _I _need _her._ I couldn't even consider that option right now, let alone make a god decision. I forced myself again to walk towards her door. I would not think about this, not right now. To be honest I was in no mental shape to be making that kind of decision right now, the desperation to get my mom back was screaming over my common sense that pointed out I needed Carly, too.

When I reached her door I immediately grabbed the doorknob, not waiting for an invitation, only to find it wasn't turning. Cursing, I knocked as loudly as I could on the door, trying to stop the tears that had appeared in my eyes. I realized I was shaking again, my throat burning and suddenly I was so damn thirsty. I heard no noises from the apartment, but I hit the door a few more times for good measure. I felt the tightness, squeezing my heart and lungs and making it hard to think straight, to breathe, again. "Carly, please, open up!" I yelled, slamming both fists into the door and leaning my head against it, trying to hold back the silent sobs that were wracking my body. When did everything get so fucked up?

"Sam? What are you doing?" Asked a voice from behind me, startling me. I turned around quickly, backing up into the door as I did so and reflexively bringing up my fists. Freddie stared back at me, looking confused. I blinked twice before realizing how ridiculous I must look. Normally I'd be hitting him and trying to hide my tears, but right now I couldn't bring myself to care what he thought of me. Right no there was worse things than Freddie seeing me cry. I dropped my fists anyway, starting to walk away. Carly wasn't here. Goddamn. I could think of nowhere else to go. It hadn't even occurred to me she wouldn't be here.

"Nothing, Freddie." I said simply, not even glancing over my shoulder as I trudged away. Carly's not here. I can't go to her house, or to my house. That tightness was spreading, squeezing my veins, making my legs and arms feel dead and cold.

"Sam, wait!" He yelled, and I sighed, hesitating. I really had nowhere else to go, why rush out into Seattle's unpredictable weather? I didn't particularly want to talk to Freddie right now either, but still I felt myself stopping. I didn't want to hear empty, naïve words about how this would all get better. I didn't want to see the flash of pity when, _if,_ I told him the truth.

But also I cared too much about Freddie to just walk away, like he didn't matter.

"What?" I croaked, and I winced at the way my voice broke. My voice, thick and scratchy from crying, barely reached him.

"Are…are you okay, Sam?" He asked me, and I could hear the genuine concern in his voice. Freddie's a good guy, he really cares about people. Even me.

"I'm…" I tried to say 'fine', but the word died on my tongue. What was the point of lying? I didn't have the necessary energy right now to convince Freddie I was okay. "…not so good." I settled on, my voice dropping to a near whisper. I wasn't even sure he heard me until I heard his footsteps on the carpet behind me just before he was beside me, pulling me into a hug before I realized what he was doing.

But I didn't pull away.

I felt my arms come up and grip the back of his jacket tightly, and I buried my face in his shoulder to muffle my sobs. He held me tightly, one hand on my back, moving in calming circles while his other hand gently pushed my hair back. He was a good friend, a good person. I had never appreciated him as much as I did in that instant.

"Freddie…" I sobbed, then lifted my head slightly so my words were a little more audible. I doubted he'd understand anyway, the way my voice was choked with so much resignation and fear and sadness. "I don't know what to do." I admitted, my grip on his jacket somehow getting tighter. "I can't…" my voice broke and I just sobbed into his shoulder, my knees weak, my chest getting tighter and tighter.

"Sam, you need to calm down. Please, just breathe slowly." He said, his voice low, even. Calming. I tried to focus on it, but my breathing was coming in short gasps and hiccups. "I think you're having an anxiety attack. You need to breathe. Focus on your breathing." He said, his voice gaining an authoritarian's edge. I tried to listen, to focus. But my moms words, and my own fears were just swirling around my head and I just wished I could sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with this right now.

Freddie finally pulled back form me, grabbing my face and speaking slowly to me, like a child. I felt like a child. Helpless, unable to control my own emotions. "Inhale, exhale." He said, demonstrating deep breaths and I envied him the oxygen. I tried to slow down my breathing, trying to time it with his, but I wasn't doing it fast enough. "Sam, no one ever dies from an anxiety attack, it's not possible." He told me the words I already knew. Somehow it sounded more believable coming from someone else. "It will pass in a few minutes, but you can make it pass faster if you try to calm down." I already knew this. I could already feel the tightness releasing slightly, and I focused harder on my breathing. Finally, after a moment or two of nothing but trying my hardest to breathe deeply, hearing only my staggered breathing and Freddie's words of encouragement, I was calmed down enough to be able to breathe, although I was still crying.

I felt Freddie's worried eyes on me, but I had dropped my gaze to the floor and closed my eyes to focus better. I could practically hear the questions buzzing around inside his head. I was grateful he was holding back for my benefit. I sucked in a breathe, then let it out through my teeth. "I'm okay, Freddie, sorry about that." My voice was still scratchy and too quiet, but it sounded better. At least I wasn't gasping for breath between every word.

"Sam…" He said, my name sounding odd, too low and slow. I tensed, hearing the worry.

"I'm fine. I'm gonna go now." I said, trying to step past him. I felt his hand grab my wrist and he hugged me again. This time I didn't hug him back right away, but after a moment I did. "I'm sorry." I repeated.

"Don't be sorry, Sam, you're my friend." He said simply, and I smiled weakly against his chest. Honestly, hearing any kind words right now was relieving. "Do you want to wait in my apartment? Carly should be home soon." Freddie is the smartest boy I know. And right now, he was showing it. He knew me better than I'd admit, and right now he knew the only thing that could completely ease this knot in my chest was Carly. I nodded mutely against him, and he moved me to a position at his side, one arm still wrapped around me while he led me to his door.

For a few minutes we didn't speak, I sat on the couch while Freddie got both of us water bottles out of his fridge, and I tried to collect my thoughts. I didn't know how much to tell him. He knew about me and Carly, but we didn't talk about it, or my home life. I wasn't sure how much to say, or how to say it. When he handed me the bottle I downed it gratefully.

"Are you gonna tell me what this is about, Sam?" He asked, and I chewed nervously on the tip of my thumb. A habit I'd never completely gotten rid of. I swallowed, hard, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. "Whets wrong?"

"I…I was going to tell my mom about me and Carly but she figured it out before I could." I told him, as quickly as I could. For a moment he just stared at me, shocked, then understanding dawned in his eyes.

"Oh." He said, obviously not sure what to say. "How bad is it?"

I hesitated; glad he was picking up on things, that I didn't have to explain too much. Rehashing the whole thing would just result in me having another panic attack, I was sure. "Bad." I swallowed, the tears returning. "I can't go home." I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, lowering my head to my arm. I couldn't look at Freddie right now, I couldn't bear to see the pity I knew was there. "Why does this always happen to me? Why does everyone I love have to leave me? What am I supposed to do?" I stopped myself there, feeling a stir of embarrassment. This wasn't me. I didn't whine, I didn't cry about my problems. I beat the shit out of them. "My mom…won't love me if I'm with Carly." I said bluntly, feeling his hand on my shoulder. "I can't lose her." I sobbed, and his grip tightened comfortingly. "God, Freddie, what do I do?"

"Sam, I'm sorry. We'll figure something out, and your mom will come around. She was just caught off guard, I'm sure. If she really loves you, she will accept you." I knew he was really worried right now. He didn't know what to tell me, what words would soothe me. He had no advice or orders.

I shook my head. "She thinks I'm disgusting, that….that me and Carly are freaks." The words were hard to say out loud, to hear again, but he needed to understand. This wasn't an overreaction. She meant every word of it. He said nothing in response, and I continued. "She thinks we're repulsive. And, yes, those are her words." That was all I could get out around the lump, and I didn't realize I was shaking til Freddie's still body wrapped an arm around me. "I can't lose her, Freddie, I need her, she's all I have left. I need her, I need some part of my family. She's all…" I stopped, shaking and Freddie whispered soothing words in my ear, playing with my hair in the same way I'd seen his mom do to him a million times. It was oddly comforting. "Carly loves me, no matter what. Why can't my mom be like that? Carly will always love me, even if we can't be together in the same way, she'll always be there. I need them both. My mom will only be there if Carly's not." I cried, willing him to understand, to talk me out of it, to tell me Carly was enough.

"we'll figure it out, Sam." He said, trying to comfort me. He didn't get it. He hadn't yet realized the meaning of my words.

As I heard the elevator arrive, I decided not to give him the chance. Because now I knew what I had to do. I didn't know if I could bear it, but I would try. I started planning my words, knowing the hardest part of this would be convincing Carly I really didn't want to be with her. It hurt so much just to think the words, but I knew they had to be said. I knew this would hurt her, she might not ever completely forgive me, but this was the only way to keep both Carly and my mom in my life. I would have to hurt her badly enough she wouldn't try too hard to stop me, she wouldn't look closely enough at me to see the cracks had gotten so much worse and now I was about to break.

"I need to talk to Carly, but thanks so much Freddie." I stood up and so did he, apparently started by my changing tones. I was trying to hide the fact I felt like ice, trying to rehearse my words for Carly. "Thanks you so much." Looking at him, I had the terrible feeling that this was the last time I would see him. I grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. "Seriously, Fredward, you're amazing." I told him, hesitating and saying my last word as I let go and walked past him to his door. "Goodbye."

Lying on the gravel, I couldn't stop the images from racing through my head once again. I was vaguely aware that I could feel rocks digging into the side of my face, letting me know I was on the ground, but I couldn't understand what exactly was going on. I was having trouble sorting through my memories, the time since I'd last seen Carly was just one blur of faces and booze and drugs and dark streets. My arms and legs felt heavy, like they were weighted down, and my breathing felt hard, like sucking in air through a straw. I could see something, an image far away, like looking through a tunnel. But the shapes and colors didn't make any sense to my fried brain, and the only thing I was truly aware of was that the tightness in my chest was gone. I felt free and safe and finally felt like nothing could hurt me.

There was something tugging at the back of my mind, a thought, a voice screaming something at me I couldn't understand. All I knew was that the voice sounded pained and panic and _broken_ and I was shocked to realized it was my own voice but I knew I didn't want to hear it because I finally felt okay and I couldn't go back to that. I couldn't take it anymore. All I'd wanted to do was sleep.

I felt something else on my face and realized the rocks were no longer digging into my temple and cheek. Not that they had been hurting me, but I'd been aware of the pressure before. I felt something touch my neck, and heard a deep rumbling sound. I couldn't figure out what it was, it sounded so faraway but at the same time it was too quiet for it to be very far or I wouldn't have hurt it. It sounded like it came from everywhere, all around me, but at the same time it almost sounded like a thought, like it was coming form within me. I tried to focus a little harder, but couldn't. Nothing made sense. I felt a hint of the panic touch me again, I couldn't remember where I was or what had happened.

I forced myself to stop thinking, stop noticing, stop observing, to try to stop the panic. It worked, until I realized something about the tunnel had changed. It flashed with light for a moment, then I heard the rumbling again, before everything disappeared, including the panic, again.

Third Person

Carly hadn't yet left her bed. No one could console her, she just sobbed into a pillow she was holding tightly in her arms, repeating Sam's name over and over. It had been three hours, and Sam's phone had died about two hours earlier. Carly had heard Spencer calling the police on the house phone, his desperate pleas to 'please find her', but she knew they wouldn't. When they eventually did it would be too late. By now, Sam was dead. She had died miserable, and alone, and Carly could do nothing about it. She had just lain in her bed, crippled by her pain and panic and regret.

The only time Sam had ever needed Carly to be strong, she couldn't even stand.

Carly knew Freddie was still in the room, she occasionally heard his sobs from the corner. She's only been able to repeat the conversation once, in a broken whisper, to Spencer, and when two police officers came by a while later he'd had to relay it to them. They'd wanted to ask her questions, but she couldn't. She had nothing else to tell them that could possibly help them. They'd eventually left when they realized she wasn't going to speak to them. She was grateful for their absence, but she didn't know what to do.

Sam….she needed Sam. Maybe more than she'd ever realized. She had never been able to imagine her life without her. She hugged the pillow tightly, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to stop the images from destroying what little control she had left. Images of Sam, laughing, pitching her new sketch idea. Images of Sam trying to look innocent as she attempted to convince the teacher that she was holding those spray paint cans because she'd just found them. Images of Sam holding her tightly, fingertips sliding across Carly's stomach. Images her mind had conjured, of Sam in different places, sick, scared, and alone, her phone on the ground beside her as her heart rate quickened, then slowed until it stopped.

Again she replayed the conversation in her head. She berated herself for not answering Sam's first call. Maybe she could have talked her out of it_. Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in my own pain I would have noticed her's,_ she thought, just couldn't believe she was gone.

For the second time that night, Carly was startled by the sound of someone running up the stairs. She lifted her head up, opening her eyes to glance at Freddie. Sure enough, he hadn't moved, but unlike her he didn't appear to have heard the noise. He was still staring at his hands in his lap, looking like he'd just been sentenced to death.

The doorway suddenly filled with a wide-eyed, shaking Spencer.

But he was smiling.

Carly's POV

Holding tightly to Freddie's chest, who was holding onto Spencer, I tried to ignore the fact I was half off the back of the seat and that this probably wasn't safe and surely wasn't legal as we weaved between cars. I still couldn't believe it. They'd found her. They'd actually found her.

_And she was alive!_

When Spencer first told her, she felt inexplicably angry, angry that he would even try to give her such false hope, that he could stand to lie about something like this. It wasn't until he told her the entire story that she had believed him, and within seconds of that she'd crossed the room and thrown herself frantically into him, screaming at him to take her to the hospital.

Apparently she'd been found by some cops who'd gotten reports of a young woman breaking into a warehouse a few miles from Sam's house. When they'd found her, she'd been laying outside the back door, unconscious but alive. The empty vicodin bottle was still beside her, and they'd called an ambulance quickly enough that they got her to the hospital in time to pump her stomach, saving her life.

When the police checked her pockets, she had no Id on her, and her mother had never filed a missing persons report for them recognize her from. While they searched local(and when that failed, State) missing persons reports, Spencer was filing a very specific report. Eventually the description was delivered to the hospital, and the connection was made. They'd called her mother first, but when no one answered the called the precinct for the number Spencer had left. When they asked his relation, he explained Sam was going to be living with him for awhile, and he was put down as her guardian.

Now we were racing desperately to get to her. I wanted to be there when she woke up. I wanted to be able to see her and touch her and prove to myself this wasn't a dream, that she was really alive and well and just a few blocks away from where we idled for a moment at a red before Spencer ran it. I knew Freddie's mom would probably kill all of us later for this, but right now, I couldn't care.

My Sam was alive.


End file.
